I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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