i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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