I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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