sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
