My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
