There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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