like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
