the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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