there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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