Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she peed on how many people?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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