I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
