I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
