You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
