If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
