i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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