Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
