The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dicks are not precious.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
