i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
