It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
