I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This toilet bowl is my home.
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