I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
