I think my vagina is haunted
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
