So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
