i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
