WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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