Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
