she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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