i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. đŚ
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying âFUCK YOUâ to all my spam emails. Canât tell you how excited I am
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
