she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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