dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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