Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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