fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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