if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize