I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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