my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
