I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
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