Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
