My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
