he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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