he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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