I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
