i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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