They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
