remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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