Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
