I wish my penis had an off switch
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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