Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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