My friends, they love my intelligence
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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