yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
