I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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