I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
