I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
