I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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