i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
