I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
