it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
